When you’re the most anxious person you know
People tell me why I talk so little or why I rarely speak up or why I don’t smile that often.
You see, as much as I enjoy being with the people I’m close to, I can’t say the same thing when I’m surrounded with people I’m just acquainted to. I’m stressed to be with those people. Why? Believe me or not, I plan out all the details of the conversation even before I greet them with hi and it goes like this in my head:
“Okay so I’m gonna say hi and of course she’s gonna say hi back. So what next. Oh shit what do I say? Do I ask her how may terms she have left before marching for graduation? Do I ask her how she’s been doing in academics and organizational work? Oh scratch that we’re not close enough for me to ask her that. So should I just comment that……uhh fuck it I hate this. Scratch that again I need to think about this…uhm….ah so I’m just gonna ask about her classes. She’ll probably say it’s great and that she’s having fun. So what do I say back? Do I say I also love all my classes this term?….”
and so on and so forth.
See? That’s how fucked up I am.
It also comes to the point where I’m so shy to walk the hallways alone that I think to ask my colleague to come with to the building on the other end of the campus but I always end up not asking because we’re not super close and it’s a few minute walk to go there meaning I have to talk to her during the whole trip which again, stresses the hell out of me.
I don’t actually enjoy being this anxious. I don’t understand how I’m so talkative with my friends and my mouth automatically just tell them stories and things to talk about but when I’m with other people, it just kills me. I always envy the people who are so charismatic and can easily connect with people ‘cause for me to do that, I need at least a lifetime.
How do I even help myself to improve on this matter? Is there like a course on how to talk with people?
Because I’m willing to give her time
Yes I fell for her. That girl who’s a decade younger than me. That girl who I shouldn’t fall for because I know society won’t accept us until we’re out of this institution.
She was quiet alone. A bit talkative when she’s with her friends. I love it when I see her smile, hear her laugh, when she’s just a few steps away from me chatting with other people. I wish she knew how I would fix my eyes on her and how difficult it was for me not to be caught by other people around us.
A few months after I’ve realized that I actually like her, I resorted to my brave soul and ask her to go out with me on dinner. I was confident that I have a high chance on this as I’ve felt she shared the same feelings. Her answer was confusing but I assumed she said yes. I waited in my car outside the building where I told her I would meet her but she didn’t come. No quiet shy girl opened the right side door of my car. Driving home I assumed, maybe she didn’t like me.
Or maybe it was too soon? Too fast? I decided on a thing. I would stop putting her on pressure and just enjoy watching her from afar. Sure that can make me happy; I’ll wait for the right time because that’s how deep I feel.
I would intentionally ignore her when I see her because I don’t want her to think that I’m asking for her to accept me too soon. I want to give enough time and space for her to think it over.
But I’m just like that when she sees me. When she’s too busy with other things, I’m always around her though I’m making sure she doesn’t feel my presence.
During the day, I would wait inside my car and watch her walk out of the building. At night I would do the same until she safely walks home. When she’s on her desk I would peek in the glass window for a few seconds. When she’s on her usual eating spot, I’ll sit a few table behind her.
I was basically everywhere with her so I love telling my close friends that I’m in a relationship with someone. I really hope we’d end up together at the right time. But for now I’m satisfied with seeing her fix her eyes on things around her when my eyes are only fixed on her.
Because I’ve kept things to myself
I fell for a guy I shouldn’t fall for in the first place. Because (1) he’s old for me, or at least the society says so- a decade older to be exact and (2) we’re both in an institution where that kind of relationship is judged and will never be accepted.
I believe he also shared the same feelings until the time he didn’t. I wasn’t actually sure how things changed but when I look back, there was a time I was busy working on something and he came up to me and said something about going out for a meal or hanging out or whatever, just something like that, and I remembered answering back “Yeah sure. Thanks.” without even looking back at him because I was busy and I didn’t hear exactly the clear words coz he was speaking softly so that others won’t hear him. If I’m right and that’s what happened then it would look like I ditched him on a date he was asking. Damn, self. Damn.
A few months have passed and I don’t see him much often. Until this day, I saw him from afar while walking the hallway. I knew then and then that we were bound to walk pass by each other. That is exactly what happened. Without seeing each others’ eyes, without a smile or even a simple “hi,” we walked as if we didn’t see each other. That was when I had a feeling that he might be angry at me.
But I was wrong, maybe not completely though. The same day, I learned from a close friend (who’s also kinda close with him) that he already has a girlfriend and he kept on sharing stories of their couple life to other people he’s close with. Now I’m left to wondering if I hurt him, if I really did something wrong, if I pushed him to do this, if he really loves that girl, or if he’s just doing it to get back at me on what I unintentionally did (which was giving him an answer to a question I wasn’t listening to). Now what do I do? I can’t share this to my friends as I’ve kept this a secret the whole time. I thought keeping what I’m feeling about him to myself will prevent the feelings to grow. But then again, I was wrong. It made me go through a difficult time. I had no friends to give me pieces of advice or to tell me to stop when I needed to. I’m absolutely lost here, in deep thinking.
I was invited, my dear, to help deal with several troublesome issues. Such as the Queen’s imprisonment.
(via elirya)
